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Advantages

• Each person hears more accurately what is being said, leaving less room for misunderstanding, interpretation and reading between the lines
• Builds a foundation for sharing and trust in which each person feels he/she is being heard
• Slows things down; interrupts escalation of conflict
• Makes sure you listen, as opposed to thinking about what you’re going to say while the other is speaking
• Allows time for you to feel and identify your feelings
• Ensures that one person does not dominate
• Makes room for less assertive people

Guidelines

• One person speaks while the other listens. The speaker makes “I statements,” attempting to stick to the facts using non-judgmental language. The speaker keeps his/her statement short enough so the listener can remember and repeat it.
• The listener focuses on listening and refrains from thinking of how he/she is going to respond. If the statement seems too long or complex, the listener may ask the speaker to simplify it. The listener may ask clarifying questions.
• When the speaker finishes, the listener reports back what he/she heard. The report can be a combination of paraphrasing and the words the speaker used.
• After reporting back, the listener asks if the report was accurate and to the speaker’s satisfaction, e.g., “Did I get it all?” or “Did I cover everything you said?”
• The speaker may make any corrections to make sure the report best reflects what the speaker said. The speaker does not take this as an opportunity to add on some additional material.
• The listener repeats back the corrections until the speaker is satisfied.
• The listener now becomes the speaker and states his/her response.
• Be wary of wandering from the guidelines. Stick to the structure. It takes some getting used to.

A time out may be called when one person believes that the interaction is beginning to escalate beyond his/her level of tolerance, that the interaction is beginning to be hurtful and destructive, and/or one or both of the participants are using unfair fighting tactics. When a time out is called the other person must immediately respect it without further discussion. Refrain from “getting in the last word,” or arguing whether the time out is warranted.

Once the time out has been called, there is no discussion for the amount of time that has been agreed on previously. This previously agreed on time is determined by consensus, taking into account both people’s need for time. Some people want a very short time out and are anxious to re-engage, while others want a long time out and would prefer to put off re-engagement as long as possible. A time out agreement usually ranges anywhere from 15 minutes to two hours. You may, also, want to have alternate agreements for special situations such as addressing conflicts that arise late at night before going to sleep or right before one person has to be at an important appointment.

The preset time out period is essential for two reasons. Number one, it assures both people that the other person is committed to getting back together and helps allay fears of rejection and abandonment. Secondly, it provides a needed respite from the conflict and assures that that time will be respected and not be violated.

During the time out, each person uses the time to cool down and to think of how he/she (as opposed to the other person) contributed to the problem. This serves to shift the emphasis from a blaming position which only fuels the conflict. Be wary of believing that you did not do a thing to contribute to the problem. Recognizing that anger is often a secondary emotion, another usual task during the time out is to identify what emotion may be under the anger. If you have difficulty cooling down or tolerating the time out, it may be a good time to use your Self-Care Menu for calming and grounding yourself or do The Way Out Is the Way In or Ho’oponopono.

When you come back together, each person says how he/she contributed to the problem before discussing the issue further. Allow each person to identify how he/she contributed to the problem, refraining from putting your two cents in during the process. During the discussion that follows, you can use reflective listening.

If one person is still angry or feels otherwise not ready to resume discussion, he/she may call for another time out. In addition, if, after the first time out, the discussion begins to escalate out of control, either of you may call another time out. However, you must be wary of not respecting the time out process and using it as a punishment or as a way of avoiding working things through.

Step 1:

As you are aware of what is disturbing you in the moment, focus your attention on the sensations in your body that are being stirred up—not trying to change them, get rid of them, label them or analyze them. Experience and feel them from the inside, not observing from above. When you find yourself drifting back into thought, just go back to the sensations, not engaging the thoughts or trying to push them away, allowing them to be in the background and do what they will. Notice and experience any new sensations that were stirred up by the thoughts. Continue to feel the sensations whether they stay the same, change, intensify, decrease or move.

Step 2:

When your awareness is focused on the sensations (at least thirty to fifty percent of the time), widen your awareness to include the awareness of your entire body, while keeping your attention on the original sensations, feeling them from the inside. You are not trying to get away from the original sensations nor are you trying to change or get rid of them. Be aware of the space between the sensations where you don’t feel any sensation. Notice that there is much more space than there are sensations. Be aware that the body isn’t a solid mass of sensations, but rather a space within which sensations arise, change, move or dissolve. You are opening yourself to the larger, spacious container of the body within which the original sensations float. This may include: a) being centered on the original sensations while being aware of the spaciousness of your body, and/or b) shuttling back and forth between the original sensations and the spaciousness of the body.

Step 3:

When you are able to be primarily with the original sensations (feeling them from the inside) and the wider awareness of your body, expand your awareness to also include the awareness of your surroundings, while keeping your attention centered on the original sensations. This larger spaciousness of your surroundings includes sounds, sights and smells that arise within it. Again, you are not trying to get away from the original sensations—nor are you trying to change or get rid of them. You are expanding the container of the body to include an even larger, spaciousness that will hold the original sensations. This may include shuttling between your original sensations and the awareness of your body and your surroundings.

Note:

From the beginning and throughout this exercise, it is important that your sole intent is to feel and experience your sensations, not to try to change, get rid of or get away from your sensations, thoughts or emotions. If at any step you find yourself drifting back into thought, go back to focusing on the original sensations (step 1), not engaging the thoughts nor trying to push them away or get away from them. Once your awareness is grounded in the sensations (at least thirty to fifty percent of the time), proceed with steps 2 and 3.

Tapping Guidelines

1. Select a focus. Your focus can be on a person, a specific incident with a person, a disturbing memory or other things that are bothering you, such as a part of yourself, a self-defeating behavior or a physical symptom. You can also focus on positive people and things as well, such as an important support person in your current or past life, a positive experience, or a positive aspect of yourself.
2. Bring up the focus, and feel the physical sensations and emotions that are stirred up.
3. Begin tapping. You don’t need to purposely hold on to the original focus as you tap.
4. Tap for approximately 30 seconds. Stop and take a deep breath.
5. Notice what stands out now at this very moment or from what emerged during the tapping: mentally, emotionally, physically, including awareness of your surroundings. Don’t just focus on awareness of your thoughts when noticing what stands out. Be sure to scan your body to include awareness of physical sensations. Don’t worry if what stands out seems unrelated.
6. Focus on what stands out and begin tapping, again.
7. Repeat steps 4 and 5 until you feel some resolution or reduction of the physical and emotional disturbance.
8. You can check your level of emotional disturbance by bringing up the original focus with current physical sensations and emotions and asking your yourself, “On a scale of 0 to 10, where 0 is no disturbance at all and 10 is the worst you can imagine, how disturbing does it feel now?”

Note:

1. Continue tapping if you are experiencing a strong emotion until it subsides.
2. If you become overwhelmed, stop and use one of the self-care techniques to calm, soothe and ground yourself.
3. If you find you have wandered far away from the original focus, go back to the original focus along with the physical sensations and emotions that it currently stirs up. Begin tapping and continue with steps 4, 5, 6 and 7.
4. If a memory arises and stands out when you stop tapping. You may find that the memory is more foreground than the issue you began with. You can decide to stop and work with the memory exclusively or put it aside to work with at another time.

Tapping (Bilateral Stimulation) Options

1. Tapping thighs
2. Butterfly: crossing arms in front of your chest and tapping shoulders
3. Atari method: make two loose fists and press thumbs on the sides of index fingers
4. Tapping feet on floor
5. Turning head from side to side (option: breathe in one direction, breathe out other direction)
6. Swaying back and forth
7. Walking in place
8. Eye movement: pick two spots on either side of the room. Eyes go back and forth between the two spots.

I am sorry.

Please forgive me.

I love you.

Thank you.

Select a Focus

1. Select a relationship with someone that is bothering you.
2. Choose either to focus on the person or a specific incident with the person.
3. You can also choose other things that are bothering you such as a part of yourself, a self-defeating behavior or a physical symptom. You can also focus on positive people and things as well such as an important support person in your current or past life, a positive experience, or a positive aspect of yourself.

Tapping Practice

1. Select a focus (see Select a Focus, above).
2. Bring up the focus, and feel the physical sensations and emotions that are stirred up.
3. While being aware of the focus and the physical sensations and emotions, select one (or more) of the four statements that applies the most.
4. While being aware of the focus and the physical sensations and emotions, say the statement silently to yourself and begin tapping (see Tapping Options, below). Be aware that you can be saying the statement to the other person, to yourself, to a part of yourself, to a higher power, or to another person, place or thing. You just begin with the statement. You don’t need to keep saying the statement silently to yourself.
5. Tap for approximately 30 seconds. Stop and take a deep breath.
6. Notice what stands out now at this very moment or from what emerged during the tapping: mentally, emotionally, physically, including awareness of your surroundings. Don’t just focus on awareness of your thoughts when noticing what stands out.
7. State what stands out now out loud or silently to yourself.
8. While being aware of what stands out now, select and state silently one (or more) of the four statements that applies the most and begin tapping.
9. Tap for approximately 30 seconds. Stop and take a deep breath.
10. Continue with steps 6 through 9 until you feel a shift, some resolution or reduction of the stress and emotional charge. You can check your level of emotional disturbance by bringing up the original focus with current physical sensations and emotions and asking your yourself, “On a scale of 0 to 10, where 0 is no disturbance at all and 10 is the worst you can imagine, how disturbing does it feel now?”

Note:

1. Continue tapping if you are experiencing a strong emotion until it subsides.
2. If you become overwhelmed, stop and use one of the self-care techniques to calm, soothe and ground yourself.
3. You may switch to another of the statements if it emerges while tapping, before the 30 seconds are up.
4. If a memory arises and stands out when you stop tapping, select a statement that applies most. You may find that the memory is more foreground than the issue you began with. You can decide to stop and work with the memory exclusively or put it aside to work with it at another time.

 Tapping (Bilateral Stimulation) Options

1. Tapping thighs (right, left, right left,…)
2. Butterfly: crossing arms in front of your chest and tapping shoulders
3. Atari method: make two loose fists and press thumbs on the sides of index fingers
4. Tapping feet on floor
5. Turning head from side to side (option: breathe in one direction, breathe out other direction)
6. Swaying back and forth
7. Walking in place
8. Eye movement: pick two spots on either side of the room. Eyes go back and forth between the two spots.