There are three essential ingredients for creating the life you want: support, support, support. Building a strong support system serves as your foundation for making any major change, whether it is making a lifestyle change, changing careers or going after your dreams. You may have heard the saying, “It’s not what you know. It’s who you know.” Absolutely! In order to create the life you want, you need all the support you can get. This flies in the face of the American myth of individualism, the “self-made man,” and “pulling yourself up by your bootstraps.” If you look at the research and throughout history, successful people who have accomplished amazing things have received loads of support from others.
Another myth is the idea that you have to love yourself, first. Your capacity for self-love arises as a result of being loved and accepted just as you are. This involves internalizing the love and support you received from family, friends, teachers and others who have given you encouragement, compassion, comfort and understanding through thick and thin. Once you have experienced such love and support, you are then able to provide the same for yourself.
Sadly, for most us, we didn’t receive the love and support we needed as we grew up. As a result, we didn’t develop the self-love and support needed to deal with life’s difficulties and to embrace life’s opportunities. We are left with what I often call a “black hole for love.” It is not too late to fill that hole!
This reminds me of the question: “What is the easy way to enlightenment?” The answer: “Surround yourself with enlightened people.” This is in keeping with a principle in complex systems theory that complex systems (e.g., people) tend to shift their behavior and resonate with the systems in their environment. Love and acceptance begets love and acceptance. You are not obliged to allow in your inner circle those people who are critical, abusive, passive-aggressive and withholding. In order to fill that black hole and develop your capacity for self-love and self-support, you need to seek out and be with people that love and accept you just as you are, as well as support, encourage and exemplify all that you aspire to do and be.