A guy walks into a Zen Monastery and says to the Zen master, “Please show me where to enter the Way.”
The Zen master says, “Do you hear the sound of the valley stream?”
The guy answers, “Yes.”
The Zen master says, “Enter there!”
Zen Buddhism asserts there are countless dharma gates—ways to “enter the Way.” Life is continually giving us opportunities to enter the Way—to enter and be fully engaged and aligned with the stream of life, whether you call it going with the flow, expressing your true or higher self or living in God’s grace. There are a bunch of ways to get there such as meditation, playing music, gardening, playing sports, doing fulfilling work, gazing at the stars or listening to the birds. An intimate relationship is another one of those ways.
I saw a video a while back of Dion, the rock and roll singer from the early sixties who sang “The Wanderer” and “Run Around Sue.” He said we have two choices when we face difficulties in our lives: We can lean out of our relationship or lean into it. When one or both partners are facing difficulties in their lives, it can put a strain on the relationship. As I often say, under stress we regress. Stressors such as a major illness, financial challenge or problems at work can lead to fighting, withdrawal, falling into old habits or looking elsewhere. Many couples break up under such strain without the ability, tools and support to work through the stress together. For example, some statistics report there is a 75% divorce rate among couples in which one person has a chronic illness.
If you choose to lean into your relationship, the difficulty you face can become a dharma gate. This involves being willing to take the risk, time and effort to trust each other and work together to find your way through this tough time. Often, just the commitment to hang in there, being there for your partner while being true to yourself, is the most important ingredient for ensuring safe passage. There are many tools and books out there (see Resources) that can be used to get through such times. Couples counseling can be especially helpful when the path becomes unclear in your relationship. Don’t wait until it becomes too little too late before you reach out for help. As you lean into your relationship, your love and trust grows stronger and your capacity to respond effectively to future challenges increases.
In Gestalt Therapy we talk about two ways of relating: connecting and separating. Connecting involves physical, emotional and verbal contact as well as doing things you share and love with your partner. Separating involves asserting and negotiating differences such as what you like to eat or how to decorate the house. It also includes setting boundaries and allowing for solitary time such as stopping discussion when one has had enough or making it clear you want to be in the bathroom alone. We Gestalt therapists say you can’t have one without the other. If you only focus on connection and avoid separation, conflict goes underground and eats away at the foundation of the relationship.
Supporting each other’s dreams and dreaming together are important contributors to a relationship being an entry into the Way. Such support is critical to creating both a healthy, resilient relationship, as well as a life and work you both love. Sadly, the people who most often attempt to pop your dream bubble are seemingly well-meaning friends and family who encourage you to be practical in order to keep you from being hurt or disappointed. It is paramount in the face of such resistance and one’s own self-doubt to do all you can to support each other in your dream quests. This involves being careful not to enact the visionary/martyr dance in which one partner sacrifices all for the other’s dreams. In addition to encouraging each other to pursue one’s dreams, it is also important to create and pursue collective dreams such as travel, starting a business or building your dream home. It is crucial in such visioning that you both be equally engaged in constructing and realizing your dreams.
Meanwhile, back at the monastery…
You and your partner walk into a Zen monastery and say to the Zen Master, “Please show us where to enter the Way.”
The Zen master says, “Are you in an intimate relationship?”
You both answer, “Yes.”
The Zen master says, “Enter there!”
(Image Copyright: lightwise)