Don’t Take It Personally
Wreaking havoc on anyone who crossed him,
An enraged TV gangster demanded,
“Everybody says, ‘Don’t take it personally.’
“How do you not take it personally?!”
Let it inflame you.
Let it break your heart.
Let it open a world of hurt.
Let it open the wounds held in protective custody all these years;
Unattended wounds slowly killing you and those around you.
Let it awaken you to your self-imposed prison,
A prison dividing you against yourself, others and the world.
Let it free you from this desperate, futile confinement.
Let it bring an end to the silent killer.
Let it let in the world.
What do you do when you encounter a person—friend, family member, boss or politician—who pushes your buttons, leaving you anxious, frustrated or near tears? You may have often heard the admonition, “Don’t take it personally.” This can come from well-meaning family members, friends and colleagues, as well as from spiritual teachers. One of the four agreements in Miguel Luis’ book, The Four Agreements, is “Don’t take it personally.” Well, as the TV gangster in the above poem asks, “How do you not take it personally?”
With little or no guidance, you are left with two common strategies: 1) suppressing feelings; and 2) spiritual bypass. The first strategy is one we are all familiar with, while the second is more subtle and often employed in the name of spiritual growth. These strategies are employed by people often thinking they are doing the right thing.
The suppression of feelings is employed early in life when intense emotions arise that are not safe to express and too overwhelming to tolerate. For example, in response to emotional abuse by a loved and trusted parent, a child may be left in a bind when beginning to cry and the parent says, “Shut up or I’ll give you something to cry about.” The default adjustment to such a situation is to shut it down. This shutting down becomes automatic and unaware over time, resulting in a treasure trove of repressed unfelt, unexpressed feelings. As people grow older they learn new ways to suppress uncomfortable feelings, such as overeating, overworking, over-exercising, smoking…the list is endless. They end up with a backlog of unfelt, unexpressed feelings that can be easily triggered by a situation that is similar to the situations they have guarded against in the past. When triggered in this way they require more suppression to keep it all from bursting forth.
The second strategy, spiritual bypass, is actually one of those learned ways, discussed above, used to fortify the ongoing unaware, automatic practice of suppressing our feelings. The concept of spiritual bypass, coined by John Welwood, is defined as “a widespread tendency to use spiritual ideas and practices to sidestep or avoid facing unresolved emotional issues, psychological wounds, and unfinished developmental tasks” (quote from an Interview with John Welwood by Tina Fossella).
So, how do you avoid the above pitfalls and not take it personally when you have a difficult encounter with someone? I recommend the following two-step process:
Step 1: See it as an opportunity. Carlos Castaneda’s teacher, Don Juan, was over-joyed when he encountered such a person as it provided an opportunity for polishing his spirit; an opportunity to heal old wounds and unleash personal power. He had a categorization system for such people: 1) petty, petty, petty tyrant: someone who is just plain annoying who drives you to distraction such as a phone salesperson, nosy neighbor or small-minded bureaucrat; 2) petty, petty tyrant: someone who triggers anxiety, anger, fear or powerlessness such as a boss, colleague, or family member; and 3) petty tyrant: a ruthless bully capable of inflicting severe psychological or physical harm such as an abusive partner, a desperate criminal or an authoritarian dictator. While you may not be gleeful at the prospect of having to deal with such a person, try seeing it as an opportunity to heal and grow.
Step 2: Feel it and heal it. Many people may respond to this prescription in one of two ways: “No thanks! If I do that, the dam will break and I will never recover,” or “If I feel my feelings, I may do something I regret and hurt or enrage people; ending up rejected, hurt, fired, or worse.” These are valid concerns. To feel it and heal it, you don’t want to rip the bandaid off the wound. It needs to be done with loving care in order to address the reaction to the present relationship, while tenderly unraveling and releasing the long-held emotions being reactivated by the current encounter.
There is a range of practices from eastern, western and indigenous traditions that can provide a way to feel it and heal it. Many of these can be done on your own (for a list of practices, go to Resources). Initially, it may be best to do such practices with someone who is trained and experienced to provide guidance and support, especially if you are dealing with a difficult situation or significant past trauma. You may want to consider working with a psychotherapist with such approaches as Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), Gestalt Therapy, Dialectical Behavior Therapy, Somatic Experiencing or Internal Family Systems.
What we resist will persist. Continuing to suppress and spiritually bypass feelings will result in an increasing backlog of emotions that will interfere with our present interactions with others. There is another choice. As my Zen teacher, Roshi Philip Kapleau, would say, “The way out is the way in.” To not take it personally it is necessary to feel and go through the emotions with mindful, loving presence; letting go of long-held fear, guilt, shame, resentment and sadness.
(Image Copyright: Konstantynov)