A time out may be called when one person believes that the interaction is beginning to escalate beyond his/her level of tolerance, that the interaction is beginning to be hurtful and destructive, and/or one or both of the participants are using unfair fighting tactics. When a time out is called the other person must immediately respect it without further discussion. Refrain from “getting in the last word,” or arguing whether the time out is warranted.
Once the time out has been called, there is no discussion for the amount of time that has been agreed on previously. This previously agreed on time is determined by consensus, taking into account both people’s need for time. Some people want a very short time out and are anxious to re-engage, while others want a long time out and would prefer to put off re-engagement as long as possible. A time out agreement usually ranges anywhere from 15 minutes to two hours. You may, also, want to have alternate agreements for special situations such as addressing conflicts that arise late at night before going to sleep or right before one person has to be at an important appointment.
The preset time out period is essential for two reasons. Number one, it assures both people that the other person is committed to getting back together and helps allay fears of rejection and abandonment. Secondly, it provides a needed respite from the conflict and assures that that time will be respected and not be violated.
During the time out, each person uses the time to cool down and to think of how he/she (as opposed to the other person) contributed to the problem. This serves to shift the emphasis from a blaming position which only fuels the conflict. Be wary of believing that you did not do a thing to contribute to the problem. Recognizing that anger is often a secondary emotion, another usual task during the time out is to identify what emotion may be under the anger. If you have difficulty cooling down or tolerating the time out, it may be a good time to use your Self-Care Menu for calming and grounding yourself or do The Way Out Is the Way In or Ho’oponopono.
When you come back together, each person says how he/she contributed to the problem before discussing the issue further. Allow each person to identify how he/she contributed to the problem, refraining from putting your two cents in during the process. During the discussion that follows, you can use reflective listening.
If one person is still angry or feels otherwise not ready to resume discussion, he/she may call for another time out. In addition, if, after the first time out, the discussion begins to escalate out of control, either of you may call another time out. However, you must be wary of not respecting the time out process and using it as a punishment or as a way of avoiding working things through.